ACCIDENTAL GOLDEN SHOWER....

  so i started eating better. and the one thing i do know about eating better is that drinking a massive amount of water is never a bad thing. so over the last week or so i have been taking in about a gallon of water or more a day. it has helped drop a few pounds which i am really proud of. still there is one really big set back from drinking that much water in one day. no it is not the problem of always being crazy hydrated. is it the need to urinate. and the massive pressure it puts on your bladder.
      i drive a truck for a living and sometimes there is just no place to go between stops. i have never been the kind of guy to just go on the side of the road. mainly because i am way to self conscious of the size of my self when urinating. i don't want some one to see and snicker. i feel its every mans greatest fear unless you are a porn star.
    with all that being said. i was driving to day. and i had consumed about half a gallon of the jug i was drinking out of when the urge hit! i was driving from galt to acampo. which really is not that far at all, but when you have half a gallon of water in you. and your bladder is to the max it seems like 100 fucking miles. usually its ok though. once i get to the store i just rush in and use the restroom, well not today. for some fucked up act of karma the door was locked and the dude at the counter did not have a key. at this point my life if at a stand still.
    i proceeded to break the pallet of shit down and hand truck it into this store. trying my best to not think about the massive pressure on my bladder. i found my self not able to stand still for fear of leaking. i finish the stop,collecting a signature and loading the equipment back on the truck without spilling a drop. but the urge is there. it felt as if ralphie may was sitting on my bladder,dancing around was not going to suffice for to long. i ran through all my options at the time.
1)run to the side of the building and let the golden shower begin. (inner voice) no way man you can just piss in the open like that, someone will get offended.
2)piss in the back of the truck the box is designed to extract excess water any way. "no.how weird would it look to an out side person. some dude just pissing in the back of a trailer.
3)drive some place close in the little town and let loose. and that is what i did.
i drove around the block to the end of a dead end street. between two back yards poped on the air brakes jumped out of the  truck as fast as possible..but not before losing the battle of containment.
  yes i peed on my self. not a noticeable about thank god. just enough to know that i have shamed my self. enough to know that this would constitute embarrassments. the rest of the flow went as planned. and so here i am today. letting you all know that daniel welch peed himself today. i am what i always  feared i would be. a pants wetter.
    hope you enjoyed my embarrassment.
      love danny

SALT IN AN OPEN WOUND!!!!

  its morning time on the Internet...I'm up. its 325 in the morning. I'm enjoying some coffee. and about to enjoy some wonderful instant strawberries and cream oatmeal. it has been a regiment of mine for a while. it has really helped with my energy and moods for the day. nothing like have energy to be happy. yay....
         so i have really been thinking about things in my life lately. with this blog i feel i really get to be myself. and put things out there that eat at me night at day. the kind of things that i only think to myself when I'm around other people. you know like at a party and that's what this is to me a big  party that I'm the life of. what a bummer if I'm the life of this party. shit....maybe not the best way to phrase it.
        one of the biggest things that really get to me is my jealousy. i am so jealous of the people in my life. it seems that every ones got it all figures out and I'm sitting on the side lines with my thumb in my mouth. i have always had this feeling that everyone is looking at me and feeling sorry for me. feeling sorry that i have transformed my body into a round ball of glutenous fat. sorry for me that i still rent. sorry for me that all i do is drive a truck for a living.
       i feel this way only for the reason that i am very self conscious of the situation i am in. and its the way i feel about my self. i look at my siblings for instant. they both have awesome houses. nice cars. jobs that make what i do very insignificant. when we all get together on rare occasions, and work is being talked about i have nothing interesting to add to the conversation. who the fuck wants to hear about driving for three hours. i don't even like thinking about it much less talking about it. every now and the i have an awesome story of some bum trying to steal empty cans for recycling from another bum.and thats its. really pathetic i know!!!
    still for the most part it kinda sucks having  trying to live up to what has been burned into my brain as the American dream. i have some parts. i some how found a women that would marry me. and some how stomach the process of having a child with me!!! it seems to end there. like i said i am a very jealous person. its not that i don't want to see the ones i love fail,or not success. its just i want to be on the same level as them. i fear i am not.its more that i am on the same elevator but going to the mail room while they go to their high rise window view offices. this isn't the place where i say that i am the bigger person and over it. i am not. i love my siblings to death. and always will be there when they need something moved or ever want to talk. which sadly is way to far and in between. this is salt in an open wound for me. i hate having to admit that i am so weak and lacking in confidence that i am jealous of people that i love unconditionally.
     i have laid this out. it has been burning in my gut for so long. it feels good to let it all out. and to my siblings please take this as it is. my brain needed to get it out. my heart on my sleeve, this is not a slam on you guys. you are doing so well in life. and i do root for the both of you to keep thriving. me being jealous is just that.strait stupid. i love you all. please take in consideration it is now 416 in the morning. i could go on for ever. but work awaits.
     love you all. and b safe
                       danny

ITS GODS WORD......I GUESS...

   so back to work today. not a bad day. not very long either. i had some product to take up north. i don't have a lot of entrainment in my truck. usually just my ipod and my mind. i was on the road by 540 this morning heading up the boring real estate that is i5 north.
    as i was enjoying the new posted podcast of sklarbro country. that stars the twin brother duo of randy and Jason sklar. with their insane pop culture references, and impeccable timing for saying the same thing at once. i happened to look over to the side of the road. and what do i see. a camper truck. you know one of those hillbilly deluxe motels attached to a ford pickup truck. I'm thinking pre Winnebago years. or dude was just to damn cheap or rent was just to damn high.
   all of the white trashiness aside, what caught my attention was the humongous sign that was stapled to the side of this fortitude of inbreading. its read as follows...Saturday is the true sabbath. Sunday is the mark of the beast!!!!!!..
           i read this and thought "WHAT THE FUCK.I NEED TO RESEARCH THIS." and i did. but i really didn't find much on it. i understand different religions observe the Sabbath on different days. Jews on sat. Muslims on Friday. and Christians on Sunday. so with this information i have to think he was just a very pissed off Jew that wanted all Christan's to feel his wrath..
   with further thinking on this talking point. i try to put my self in this guys shoes. for one i have a sneaking suspension that he isn't all that stable. seeing that his home is a trailer with out a trailer park. and proclaiming something that lets be honest no body gives a shit about. i realize well fuck he is every one else just trying to put a voice to it. we all have shit we care about that the majority of people around us could care less about. and the only reason i see him as crazy is this huge sign. i am still very interested in what his thinking behind this is.
     my only hope is that he isn't some angle sent down from god to try and educate the mindless drones that have shunned god and his word. and i hope that i never heave to meet this dude face to face, i have no filter i would be an out rite dick and not ask in a nice way what he is talking about. I'm sure i would ask him what the last email he got from god was about. i would want to know if god talks to him threw his bowel movements. i would defiantly need to know if angels really don't have sexual organs. well any way. i guess the point of this is. try to be as lazy as you can be on Saturday and Sunday that way you don't offend any body. :)
                            blank you very much for reading.
                                              love danny

PLEASE HELP ME LOSE WIEGHT.

     OK this is for all the healthy people in my life. i need help with knowing what to eat. and what not to eat. i know sugar is really bad. and carbs can be counter productive for losing weight. i have a family Reunion in a few months. and last time it was embarrassing. every time i saw someone that i hadn't seen in a while all i got was "wow you sure are fat these days" i don't want that to happen again.
 i know its fucked up that that's all family sees, but lets be honest old people lose their sense of being nice after so long. any way enough of my pussy feelings. healthy friends i really need your help on the food thing. please LET me know what i can do. whats good. what's bad.
    i got a trainer at my local gym to help with my work out schedule. in the next three months i am hoping to lose some weight and be respectable for this family reunion. i am also doing this for my self too. i need to be healthy for my family. i need to make sure i don't fall dead at thirty because my fat ass couldn't lose weight. also when the Chinese come to take us over i need to be able to run a little bit with out being winded. those little bastards are fast as fuck. so please i need your input on this one healthy people. whats good for lunches at work. i drive a truck so i don't get to heat things up or keep them cold. and dinner. dinner is big for me. i need good suggestions. because after three weeks of chicken and brown rise i need something else. thanks love you all b safe.

SUNDAY MORNING.

      i was watching the onion news on ifc today. i love that damn show. the website is awesome too. you should really check it out. and if you don’t get ifc well fuck you. lol.

               the story i want to talk about i will post at the bottom of this post. they did a story about a congressmen who fell in love with a horse. but was still outraged at the thought of gay marriage .he calls it un constitutional. got i love this shit.

           as I’m watching this i am also going through withdrawals from chew. Fuck i hate the feeling. i had coffee and breakfast but no chew. and now I’m really irritated. i went to olg with my wife and kid for a knights of Columbus breakfast, which if you’re in west Sacramento every third Sunday i think it is. There is a five dollar all you can eat breakfast that kicks ass. Pancake’s. And all the fixings.

      during this whole things. i had the plan to hit the gym directly after the breakfast to work it off. then out of the where my wife changed the plan on me. at the time my craving was at an all-time high. so i was so pissed. can you believe that. Pissed because i had to watch my son. this is the part of addiction i can’t stand. i hate getting really pissed about nothing. but I’m working on it.

      so the wife is out shopping for things for Daniel’s bathtizim. im ganna chill at home it is hockey day in America today. there is a lot of good hockey on tv. if you aren’t into hockey i suggest you get into it! best sport on the face of this earth.

             lol. the story they are running right now on the onion is about a school jock, who goes into school and kills an outcast. and the jock is held up as a hero for killing a weird out cast kid. lol. damn i love this damn show. check it out here’s a video for your pleasure. thanks for reading.

  ok i know i said i was ganna have an onion video up. but it is not working so smooth for me now. verry sorry but please go to the website. look around and support. once again thank you verry much for reading.

   love you all. b save.

                  danny theonion.com

CHANGING DISAPPOINTMENT.

  playing games with my mind. this damn caffeine. i feel like a nervous kid on his first day of school. or a smoker in a non smoking room. my leg is shaking and my mind is wandering. i often think about where i am in life. and wounder am i OK.
   finical no way. i suck with money. i like to spend it so fast and easy, i never really think a head. my wife on the other hand is really good with it. so we balance one another out. it is pretty awesome. she is pretty awesome. she grounds me. no like a parent "your grounded" type of way but more of she makes damn sure i am doing the right thing, and man let me tell you it is good,.
  for those of you who have known me for a while. i have a drinking bone. it  has been very prevalent in my life. i have spend many nights waking up in places i have no idea how i got there. many nights driving when i had no reason doing so. calling my now wife at three in the morning to come get me from some random place. but i have seen the disappointment in her eyes and it kills me.
    this went on of for years. we have been together for close to seven years. and just recently did i really put the drinking monster away. i couldn't deal with being a disappointment to my best friend. i couldn't deal with being so hungover i couldn't function for my son. there was no health benefit from it. no social benefit from it. i just couldn't do it any more.
   there was a few times where i just couldn't believe how fucked up i got. like waking up and realizing i have pissed my self. literally pissed the bed. like i was 4 again. for a while i contemplated getting plastic sheets just to keep having my fun on the weekends. and that thought now scares the shit out of me. that i would actually contemplate that scenario. i mean a grown man, thinking "hey babe plastic sheets will fix the problem"...no no it wont Danny. not drinking to the point of retardation, or tot he point your body cant tell you when it needs to relive pressure from its bladder.
    all of this are reasons why i am where i am today. taking care of my self. going to the gym. telling my wife and kid everyday that i love them. making sure that i am on the strait an narrow. not giving in to  the temptation on a Friday afternoon when i get off work to grab some beer and a bottle of Jim beam and not responding to the world for 72 hours. not wanting to be a disappointment. or see it in her eyes. not wanting to turn into a raging dick head. or say something i really don't mean. she had really changed who i am. and so has my son. that's what family is for.
  in closure of this blog. i want you all to realize that i am just a human being. that i am full of faults, and i am an open book. and am not afraid of the backlash of this. i know how it makes me look.. lets be honest its how i looked back then. but look to the future. look at what i am today. and thank my family mainly my wife for that.
    love you all. and be save
                     danny

HOMESEXUAL AMERICAN.....

     i was having a conversation with someone recently about politically correct ways to say things. it got a Little out of hand. but comical. i started out asking if fag was still an acceptable word for a homosexual. i know we are all past and over queer. that is not acceptable. and i don't like using gay. mainly for that reason that i call shitty movies gay. or really stupid trends like emo gay. so i came up with a new way to identify the gay community that will not offend and even add a little patriotic sense to the nomenclature.and that word is
         
         HOMOSEXUAL AMERICAN.
    now who wouldn't want to be labeled as such? i know i would, if i was gay, i am not. all though some would question. i guess in a perfect world we would all bat for both teams. laugh at it you fucker its funny. i mean think of the label. homosexual. it is not offensive. it really cant be said in a horrible tone. try it. it will make you smile or think of Ryan secrest. so no harm no foul.
    and who doest want to be known as an American. (beside you too far gone liberals. i know what you feel) think of all the other cultures that have taken on the American tag. Asian American. African American. Mexican American. now we just have a totally nicer. cleaner,less body hair, and knows how to dress. (i understand that i am talking more towards gay feminine men here)..American.
      so the next time you think of using a very offensive name for a gay person. please please please. try to take their feelings into consideration and use this new found label. it will make every one around feel better. and besides who wants to be lumped into one big homosexual group? i wouldn't. i wouldn't want to be mistaken for a china homosexual. you know what that comes with? communist and hard labor. fuck that. probably death there. here we give you a tv show. (come on that's funny.)./ well just think before you speak.
 love you all. and be safe.
           danny

a random creative top five.

     this is a list of the people i look up to as creative geniuses. for one reason or another. i will out line them all. i hope maybe you will get into these people. have been into these people or have an open enough mind to know who all of them all. so starting off at number 5.

,number five is nick kroll. he is i guess best known for playing ruxin  on the league.it is on fx and you should check it out. he is also a stand up comedian who has numerous characters. my personal favorite is fabrice fabrice.please youtube him or watch him on the league.he is a comic genius and every one should know who he is. if you are a fan of comedy you really need to get into this man right here. he will make you laugh so fucking hard you wont know what hit you. he also makes regular appearances on comedy death ray the podcast. so check that out as well.

number four is chuck palinuik. if you have no idea who this is,this man is the man responsible for the movie fight club.he wrote the book in which the movie got made out of. he has written other books that are highly recommended. he is the modern day Hemingway. he will make you think. and make you want to start a cult.just playing. but if you are into reading please pick up a few of his books. choke, rant, survivor, and fight club are highly recommended by me. i have read them all and take a lot away from all of them.

this man right here. is probably the most main stream out of the bunch. Mr. rob zombie.

before i head him on a podcast of one of the other finalist i really didn't think much of him. i love his movies but as a musician wasn't one of my favorites. but after hearing him on the nerdist podcast i couldn't help but love his sense of showmen ship. his creativeness,and his will to keep making music and tour. he puts on crazy shows, and makes even better music. i Love this guy.

do you know who this guy is? does a little show called singled our ring a bell?

no? well coming in at number two is Chris hardwick. he hosted singled out back in the day. and is currently the host of web soup,and his podcast the nerdist. he is a great interviewer. and you can also see him in a few of rob zombie movies. he has started a stand up comedian career and from what i have heard he is awesome. i love his geekiness.i love his style and the way he just is who he is and doesn't let the artificial people around him make him change. so if you get a chance go to nerdist.com. good stories and podcast.

number one is number one pretty much because i have known of him the longest.

don Geronimo. he was such a huge part of my growing up. he is a radio host. had one of the most popular radio shows in America at one time. he was such an innovator of the whole talk radio. a lot of people would put stern there but stern can lick my balls. he was off the radio for a few years but is back on here in Sacramento. which is awesome/ i know i proclaim to hate corporate radio but i retract that for this man and this man alone. he has been so open and afraid of nothing. and for that i respect the man. tune into him mon-fri

12-3 you just might like it.

phone sex operator

     When i was 19 i called a phone sex operator. i had just went through my first and only broken heart. i was living in a small studio apartment,where all i had was a futon and a case of beer, my broken heart and tears.
    i had no idea what was going on in my life at the time. so i was just sitting there drinking beer getting really fucked up when i felt the little guy start taking over my mind. he wanted to play. the porn that i had wasn't working for him any more. he needed some thingnew and adventurous. and what he coaxed me in to was calling some 1800 number. so as always i gave in and did it.
     ring ring. ring ring. then out of the sexy phone gods i hear some awesome music then a pre recorded voice telling me all sorts of sexy things and right before it got hot enough to start the deed she asked for a credit card number. now in normal circumstances in no way shape or form would i have ever punched in that sixteen digit card number. but that night was not just any night. that night was a sad night and really really drunk night.
     with no idea of how much this stuff coast or how much money was in my actual bank account. i was connected to a phone database of different rooms i could enter. but before that data base i was connected to a live person who would take down my information and connect me. she didnt sound so hot. but then when the rooms popped up i selected one that dealt with hot girls ready to  ummm ya you get it.
      so there i am getting ready to pop my phone sex cherry. i hear a low whisper sexy voice on the other end of the line say "hello baby how are you tonight?" and all i could muster up to say is "not much just chilling." then she started to say something else that started with coc.....then all of a sudden the phone disconnects. i was a little shocked, i didn't know what had happened. but decided it was probably for the best.
     the very next morning i found out what had happened. when my bank called me and asked if i had made any big purchases in the last 24 hour. i couldn't think of any because you know i called a 99cent a minute place. so i didn't think it was that. then the bank person on the other end of the phone said the name of the biller and it hit me.....those bastards...apparently its only 99 cents to listen to the rooms names. then there is a connection fee of 5 dollars and when connected live its 2 dollars a minute. my entire bill came out to 150 dollars. and didn't even get off. i had punched in to so many rooms  and that was a connection fee each time. i was screwed. i must have been the only person to ever have their card limit out during phone sex.
  still the worst part was having to ask my mom for money to pay my bill. seeing as though I'm not a liar i told her exactly what happened. man that was probably one of the most embarrassing things to ever happen to me. and now i have shared it. there is more to the story but was told i need to keep things short. :)
                 love you all and stay safe,..please tell me what you think, 

WHITE COLLOR STREET FIGHT.

i was sitting in my work truck in downtown fairfield. if you haven't been its noting to write home about. pretty small, mostly just a court house and a jail. i was sitting there at a stop light. it was a four way stop. and like any down town there is a few people walking around, as i was people watching waiting for my light to turn green. i see a fellow approach the light pole across the intersection from me. i see he is hitting the button for the little walking man to appear. of course he is hitting it hitting it and hitting it. like there is prize if you can hit it 100 times before it changes. then all of a sudden a nother fine looking fellow in a suit and tie starts pounding the button on his side of the street which is opposite of the other man. who i forgot to mention is dressed in a black sports coat and red tie white shirt and nice slacks.
  i am watching these two yahoos pound away when all of a sudden they catch each others eye. and ww3 erupted, they where yelling and screaming. pointing and flipping one another off. i cant believe it. i am gonna get to See an awesome street fight between two white collar dudes. a true fight club moment. but then as i think the two men are just gonna take a run at one another i take another look at the situation. they are both sitting there pounding away at their buttons!!!!! still trying to summon the walking guy, their rage was so great  but their witness was not. before i got to see the fight unravel i got my green light. i never got to see if they fought. but i was in amazement that these two men wanted to commit assault on one another but did not want to jay walk. seems like a smaller crime to me. but hey im blue collar.
     much luv stay safe.

what you need to know

 hi my name is danny. i have a wife, a child, and an awsome way to mispell words. i listen to podcast beacuse corporate radio sucks ass. my favorites are comedy death ray, nerdist, wtf, and sklarbro country. i suggest every one listen to them. if you dont laugh go fuck your self. honestly. if you dont laugh at least a small little chuckle. you have no sense of humor and have to idea what comedy is.
    i grew up in a small ass town on the sacramento river, dont worrie a bout the name but if your from there reping c town baby. i had a pretty shitty childhood with some dark shit that no one really wants to talk about. i didnt need a shrink to get over it. just years and years of heavy binge drinking. what fun....my mother and father divorced like so many others, cant blame them. i talk to them both and relize that these two poeple have absolutly nothing in common. i think they both just really liked having unprotected sex.
  through all of that they created me my sister and my brother. they are subject to another day. they do make it verry intrestuing and fusterating being part of this family.
  i am  a huge sports fan. but only for the teams i root for. which are as follows THE SANJOSE SHARKS.OAKLAND RAIDERS AND OAKLAND ATHLETCIS.. if you have anything to say about your teams. i will probly not care. being a die hard raider fan my entire i life i have a us against the rest of the world mentallity. i have a few friends who i act verry gay with. i belive we act so gay. gay men would be offended. but thats just us. any who. thats all for now. thats a little about me. i plan to update this when i feel like writing. and if your reading it you are a friend from facebook. i do plan on writting some short stories and poems. havent done those in a while. so much love all. b safe .