CHANGING DISAPPOINTMENT.

  playing games with my mind. this damn caffeine. i feel like a nervous kid on his first day of school. or a smoker in a non smoking room. my leg is shaking and my mind is wandering. i often think about where i am in life. and wounder am i OK.
   finical no way. i suck with money. i like to spend it so fast and easy, i never really think a head. my wife on the other hand is really good with it. so we balance one another out. it is pretty awesome. she is pretty awesome. she grounds me. no like a parent "your grounded" type of way but more of she makes damn sure i am doing the right thing, and man let me tell you it is good,.
  for those of you who have known me for a while. i have a drinking bone. it  has been very prevalent in my life. i have spend many nights waking up in places i have no idea how i got there. many nights driving when i had no reason doing so. calling my now wife at three in the morning to come get me from some random place. but i have seen the disappointment in her eyes and it kills me.
    this went on of for years. we have been together for close to seven years. and just recently did i really put the drinking monster away. i couldn't deal with being a disappointment to my best friend. i couldn't deal with being so hungover i couldn't function for my son. there was no health benefit from it. no social benefit from it. i just couldn't do it any more.
   there was a few times where i just couldn't believe how fucked up i got. like waking up and realizing i have pissed my self. literally pissed the bed. like i was 4 again. for a while i contemplated getting plastic sheets just to keep having my fun on the weekends. and that thought now scares the shit out of me. that i would actually contemplate that scenario. i mean a grown man, thinking "hey babe plastic sheets will fix the problem"...no no it wont Danny. not drinking to the point of retardation, or tot he point your body cant tell you when it needs to relive pressure from its bladder.
    all of this are reasons why i am where i am today. taking care of my self. going to the gym. telling my wife and kid everyday that i love them. making sure that i am on the strait an narrow. not giving in to  the temptation on a Friday afternoon when i get off work to grab some beer and a bottle of Jim beam and not responding to the world for 72 hours. not wanting to be a disappointment. or see it in her eyes. not wanting to turn into a raging dick head. or say something i really don't mean. she had really changed who i am. and so has my son. that's what family is for.
  in closure of this blog. i want you all to realize that i am just a human being. that i am full of faults, and i am an open book. and am not afraid of the backlash of this. i know how it makes me look.. lets be honest its how i looked back then. but look to the future. look at what i am today. and thank my family mainly my wife for that.
    love you all. and be save
                     danny