its morning time on the Internet...I'm up. its 325 in the morning. I'm enjoying some coffee. and about to enjoy some wonderful instant strawberries and cream oatmeal. it has been a regiment of mine for a while. it has really helped with my energy and moods for the day. nothing like have energy to be happy. yay....
so i have really been thinking about things in my life lately. with this blog i feel i really get to be myself. and put things out there that eat at me night at day. the kind of things that i only think to myself when I'm around other people. you know like at a party and that's what this is to me a big party that I'm the life of. what a bummer if I'm the life of this party. shit....maybe not the best way to phrase it.
one of the biggest things that really get to me is my jealousy. i am so jealous of the people in my life. it seems that every ones got it all figures out and I'm sitting on the side lines with my thumb in my mouth. i have always had this feeling that everyone is looking at me and feeling sorry for me. feeling sorry that i have transformed my body into a round ball of glutenous fat. sorry for me that i still rent. sorry for me that all i do is drive a truck for a living.
i feel this way only for the reason that i am very self conscious of the situation i am in. and its the way i feel about my self. i look at my siblings for instant. they both have awesome houses. nice cars. jobs that make what i do very insignificant. when we all get together on rare occasions, and work is being talked about i have nothing interesting to add to the conversation. who the fuck wants to hear about driving for three hours. i don't even like thinking about it much less talking about it. every now and the i have an awesome story of some bum trying to steal empty cans for recycling from another bum.and thats its. really pathetic i know!!!
still for the most part it kinda sucks having trying to live up to what has been burned into my brain as the American dream. i have some parts. i some how found a women that would marry me. and some how stomach the process of having a child with me!!! it seems to end there. like i said i am a very jealous person. its not that i don't want to see the ones i love fail,or not success. its just i want to be on the same level as them. i fear i am not.its more that i am on the same elevator but going to the mail room while they go to their high rise window view offices. this isn't the place where i say that i am the bigger person and over it. i am not. i love my siblings to death. and always will be there when they need something moved or ever want to talk. which sadly is way to far and in between. this is salt in an open wound for me. i hate having to admit that i am so weak and lacking in confidence that i am jealous of people that i love unconditionally.
i have laid this out. it has been burning in my gut for so long. it feels good to let it all out. and to my siblings please take this as it is. my brain needed to get it out. my heart on my sleeve, this is not a slam on you guys. you are doing so well in life. and i do root for the both of you to keep thriving. me being jealous is just that.strait stupid. i love you all. please take in consideration it is now 416 in the morning. i could go on for ever. but work awaits.
love you all. and b safe
danny
About Me
- dwelch
- i am danny. i am a man. i like to write and think out loud. please email me or fb or create a google acount and follow and comment on my blog. it all helps with getting me out to others. thank you. love you all. b safe.
I hear ya buddy. (Just a little background before I get to my point) My whole life I have felt like I am obligated to take over my dads farm business. My Grandpa's (on my dads side) parents came to the States and started farming, my grandpa and his brothers all started farming, my dad took up farming, my uncle Gus's son Rudy started farming, Rudy's middle son Mike is farming, and when Rudy's oldest and youngest son decided to not farm for a living, my family dis-owned them both. Mike's oldest daughter has no interest in farming, so Mike doesn't talk to her anymore, plus she ran off with a black guy. NOT TO SOUND LIKE I AM BEING RACIST, its just my whole family is, they always drop the N word, they talk down on all other races like they are all pieces of shit, and a lot of my family are all a bit prejudiced, bigots. Which bothers me because there is no reason to hate on any race. In my opinion, every race have their black sheep that makes that race look bad. even the white man.
ReplyDeleteWith all that being said, my point is, I feel like I must take up farming because if I don't, my whole family would look down on me, and disapprove of me like my two cousins who decided to take up other careers. So that currently leaves me in a rut where I don't know where I want to go with my life. I am 25 years old and I have nothing to my name yet. I still live with my parents, my truck is in my dads name, I have some movies, cds, an xbox and a few games, a few movies and other then that, I have nothing. So like you, I feel when I am around my friends who are all getting married, having kids, and doing the responsible thing, they look down on me, I feel my family is looking down on me as well. I feel this way because it seems everyone is looking at me and thinking "So, are you going to take over the farm or are you just going to be like your cousins and do something stupid and not farm?" It's hard to really explain how my family is because no one else has experienced it.
My problem is, I haven't found anything I am passionate for. Anything I WANT to do for a living. I went to school for computers at ITT Tech, but going through their courses, I realized that isn't my thing. plus, my dad has expressed his hatred towards computers so much, that I feel like he frowns on the fact that I enjoy working on them. He looks at it as being lazy when I am working on them. He has openly said if he could he would take every computer in the world and crush them all, and he would love to get rid of every computer company out there.
I know I am not the best at making my exact point, because I am obviously going off on my own tangents, but I think, I hope, you are getting my point, that you are not the only one in that boat. I feel your pain.
a few things I meant to elaborate on was through my dads eyes, he would rather see me outside working on a tractor, or raking leaves, or mowing the lawn, basically anything that has to do with being outside rather than doing I like to do, which is work on computers, and play on them, keep figuring out new ways to fix them, make them better, new programs to play with etc because like I said, to him, that is being Lazy.
ReplyDeleteThe reason why I brought up the Racist thing was because thats another way my family looks down on people. If you are a white person in a relationship with someone who isn't white, thats a no no in my family. and I don't understand that because in my opinion, you should not judge a person based on their skin color.
To be happy with your life all u have to do is to want what you already have and not what you don't have. =)
ReplyDelete